Ask Shelby: Missing the Magic

Here is February's installment of "Ask Shelby" with Chester County's own Marriage and Family Therapist, Shelby Riley

Dear Shelby,

How do I get my husband to show me more love? He used to be so romantic. Now it sometimes seems like he doesn't even know I'm alive.

Signed, Missing the Magic

Dear Missing the Magic,

I hear this all the time! And the answer I’m going to give you will seem very counter-intuitive. So take a deep breath, and stay open, okay?

The way we wives usually go about getting the love we want is to ask for it. And then whine for it. And then get mad and criticize that it’s not happening. And then beg for it. Then we use sarcasm. Then we give up and close off…. Until we have the energy to start the process all over again. Sound familiar?

This makes perfect sense to us. We’re asking. We’re “teaching.” We’re COMMUNICATING for goodness sake! But what men tend to hear is “You’re not good enough. I need more. You don’t make me happy. You are a bad, bad husband.” And they try. They try some small, pitiful little attempt at showing us love and we go, “What?! This? You have got to be kidding me! I don’t want THIS. I want this…” And then they feel all confused and ineffective and, most important, disrespected.

Most women would admit to feeling like they do more work in the relationship. More loving gestures, more displays of affection, more kindness. And because we do that more, we think we care more. Therefore, men must care less. Then our feelings get hurt, and we throw a tantrum to try to get what we crave.

What I’ve learned over the years as a couples’ therapist is that men don’t care less—they care a great deal. They just don’t like feeling so ineffective, so criticized, and they really, genuinely feel like they can’t ever do enough to get it right. So they give up. And they get bitter because the one thing most men crave, they aren’t getting: RESPECT. Most women are good at the love. Not so good at the respect.

What does respect look like? It’s not using a criticizing tone. It’s not making faces and rolling your eyes. It’s not nitpicking things to death. It’s letting your husband’s ideas shine from time to time. We say, “Please help me by feeding the baby.” So he does. And then we say, “Not with THAT spoon! Gosh! Never mind, I’ll do it myself.”

SO not respectful.

So if you want some lovin’—start by giving him the respect he deserves. Aim for unconditional respect. We all agree a marriage should have unconditional love, and I propose it should have unconditional respect, too. Smile at him when he walks in the door. Listen as he talks about his day and compliment him on something he did at work. Men like to feel like heroes. Try placing a filter on your eyes and ears for two weeks: see him the way his doting mom sees him. See him the way his employees see him. See him the way the goo-goo eyed girl at the blockbuster sees him. And then, when he does even the smallest thing right when it comes to showing you love, stroke him. “Thank you for offering me water, I love that you’re thinking of me.” (Totally sincere, NO sarcasm!) “I loved the voicemail you left me. It made my day.”

People learn just like animals learn. Remember conditioned response and close approximations from Pysch 101? Praising every small effort, not just the times he gets it spot on, help him to practice and learn what you love. Start building a story of success around his ability to love on you, and I will bet money he catches on much faster than when you give him those wretched verbal tongue lashings.

With all this said, you should have a place in your marriage for discussing tough issues, and making a request for change. A weekly couples meeting is a great way to make room for that and leave the rest of your interactions for connecting and caring for one another. If you want some ideas about how to structure a couples meeting, check out the Assignment Book for Couples on www.FamilyHelpToday.com.

Good luck, and I can feel the magic coming back already!

Yours,

Shelby

**Remember to check out Shelby's website, Family Help Today, for a variety of useful information for couples, individuals, families, and kids. You can also find out more about Shelby's AWESOME e-books on her site.

Frugal Finds Friday: Planning for Valentine's Day

Bring on the chocolate: dark, chewy, crunchy, creamy, sugar-free, you name it. Valentine’s Day is almost here and there are many ways to share your affection without breaking the bank.

In my family, this little day of feasting, candy and flowers falls right about the time the budget and diet are just getting back into shape and the cold winter air chills the plans for an evening out. Given these factors, we started a tradition when my girls were little. One snowy Valentine’s Day when going out wasn’t an option, we pulled out all the china, dressed in our finest, cooked and cleaned and waited for Daddy to come home with flowers for the table. The girls enjoyed it so much that now they have the table set before I even decide what to cook.

Why let a day about love fill you with financial dread? From gifts to dinner, there are multiple options to show love creatively this year without spending a fortune.

Starting with cards, communicate your affection through technology for a quick and easy gesture. The launch of online sites like e-cards.com, bluemountain.com, and hallmark.com let you send a free card via e-mail complete with animation. If you are the tactile type and need to send greetings on paper, your computer offers many options to make and print your own customized cards. If you are feeling extra creative, pull out the old ribbons and lace and make an super-special creation for little expense or effort.

For more of this article on money saving ideas for Valentine's Day, head over to DIYFrugalwhere Sarah is gathering lots of money saving resources just for YOU!

Introducing Alice!

I thought you might be interested in a great new online service called Alice.com. I just created an Alice.com account, and I think it's a great way to buy household essentials and big bulky goods(stuff like trash bags, diapers, laundry setergent, dish soap, and toilet paper) to avoid having to run to the store for those items and lugging them from the car to house. Ordering online saves lots of time and everything is shipped to my door free....that's right..FREE!

If you are interested, click here to check out the site, and if you create an account you’ll get a $10 credit in your account after you spend at least $50 on the site.


Happy Shopping!

Go Red for Women...

Speak up against heart disease for yourself - and for others by wearing RED

on Feb. 5, 2010.

Too many women die each year because they are unaware that heart disease is their No. 1 killer. One in three suffers in silence, and almost one woman dies every minute of this largely preventable disease.

Register to get everything you need to host a Wear Red Day event at www.GoRedForWomen.org/WearRedDay

Stay safe this SuperBowl weekend!

*Thanks to the Global Influence Media Network for including us in helping to spread this important message.

The teams are set, the hype is well underway and Super Bowl party planning is in full swing.

While you may not be thinking about the dangers of buzzed driving this time of year, you or someone you know will likely be attending a party where alcohol is served. So whether you're rooting for the Colts or the Saints, there are some things you need to know to keep yourself and your loved ones safe before, during and after Super Bowl XLIV.

When you're heading out to a party or hosting guests, remember to always plan ahead:

• Designate a sober driver or be prepared to find a safe ride home for your guests
• Be ready to take alternate transportation such as a bus or taxi. Have the phone number of a taxi service stored in your phone before you leave for the party.

In 2008, 11,773 people were killed in alcohol-impaired driving crashes.

Buzzed drivers are those who drink and drive, but do not consider themselves a hazard on the roadway because "only a few" drinks are consumed. The campaign hopes to educate people that consuming even one drink too many can impair driving and that "Buzzed Driving is Drunk Driving." So even if you are planning on staying home Super Bowl weekend, please remind your loved ones that buzzed driving IS drunk driving.

To learn more about the impact buzzed driving can have on a life, please watch this important video about the financial and personal repercussions of getting a DUI: http://buzzeddriving.adcouncil.org/sign.php#video

Remember: Buzzed Driving IS Drunk Driving. Plan ahead and ask your loved ones to do the same.

For more information, visit Buzzed Driving Is Drunk Driving on Facebook and Twitter(@Buzzeddriving).

Tumbling Classes at The Little Treehouse

Greetings Little Treehouse Customers,
We are thrilled to announce that our "Tumble Room" and classrooms in the basement at The Little Treehouse will be finished in early February, and we are launching classes in March.

Our Tumbling Classes will begin on March 15th and will run for an 8 week session. The price will be $128 or $16 per class, which includes unlimited play at The Little Treehouse before and/or after your class.

WE WILL BE POSTING OUR TUMBLING CLASS SCHEDULE ON OUR WEBSITE VERY SHORTLY. MEANWHILE, IF YOU WOULD LIKE A SCHEDULE E-MAILED TO YOU, PLEASE CONTACT US AT THE FOLLOWING ADDRESS: TREEHOUSECLASSES@GMAIL.COM, AND WE WILL GET RIGHT BACK TO YOU WITH A SCHEDULE (Sorry, the mass e-mailing service we use will not allow us to send attachments, otherwise we would send the schedule with this message!)

PLEASE NOTE:TO MARK THE BEGINNING OF OUR TUMBLING CLASSES, WE ARE RUNNING A SPECIAL DISCOUNT FOR EARLY ENROLLERS. IF YOU SIGN UP BY FEBRUARY 15, YOU WILL RECEIVE A DISCOUNT OF 50% OFF THE 8-WEEK SESSION PRICE OF $128. IF YOU SIGN UP BY MARCH 1ST, YOU WILL RECEIVE A DISCOUNT OF 30% - SO HURRY AND CONTACT US SOON FOR A SCHEDULE!

A LITTLE BIT OF INFORMATION ABOUT OUR TUMBLING PROGRAM

Our Tumbling classes have been created by our Program Director, Andre Agard, who is currently Head Coach at the Water Tower Recreation Center in Chestnut Hill. Many of you will have brought your children to his classes, and know he is the best. While he will not be coaching our classes, he has designed our lesson plans, and recruited wonderful coaches for us, including Tatiana Konowal, who currently works for him as his Assistant Head Coach at the Water Tower, and Danielle Fritz, who has many years experience coaching Gymnastics and Dance at The Little Gym.

We will also be launching Music & Movement classes in March, and will e-mail you separately about these.

We very much look forward to getting you signed up, and to seeing you soon at The Little Treehouse!

With very best wishes,

All at The Little Treehouse

10 W. Gravers Lane

Chestnut Hill

215 247 3637

www.treehouseplaycafe.com

Monthly Reminder: Feel Your Boobies!

Help save someone's life, remind the women in your life to do their breast self-exam!

Enter to win a trip to LA courtesy of Care.com

Care.com (www.care.com), the premier source for trustworthy family care, announces the launch of a “Valentine’s Day” Contest in conjunction with New Line Cinema and Warner Bros. Pictures’ film “Valentine’s Day.”

About the movie:
"Valentine’s Day” follows the intertwining storylines of a group of Los Angelinos as they find their way through romance over the course of one Valentine’s Day.

About the contest:
One lucky Grand Prize winner will receive a trip for two to Los Angeles, including round-trip airfare, a two-night hotel stay at the luxury SLS Hotel (http://www.starwoodhotels.com/luxury/index.htmlin Beverly Hills) with dinner for two at SLS’s Bazaar restaurant and a private VIP tour of the Warner Bros. Studio lot, where “Valentine’s Day” was filmed. Twelve finalists will each receive two tickets to see the film. In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, Care.com will also provide the winners with a free one-month premium membership to find that perfect babysitter.

HOW TO ENTER:
Enter at: www.facebook.com/caredotcom, and tell us your most romantic or funniest Valentine’s Day memory. All entries should be rated PG. The twelve finalists will be selected during the months of January and February 2010. One Grand Prize Winner will be selected from among the 12 finalists in February. Three Finalists will be selected by a panel of judges on or around each of the following dates: January 23, 2010, January 30, 2010, February 6, 2010, and February 13, 2010. One Grand Prize Winner will be selected from among the 12 Finalists on or around February 13, 2010. “

About Care.com
Founded in 2006, Care.com is the largest and fastest growing service used by families to find high-quality caregivers, providing a trusted place to easily connect, share caregiving experiences, and get advice. Care.com addresses the unique lifecycle of care needs that each family goes through-child care, special needs care, tutoring and lessons, senior care, pet care, housekeeping, and more. Care.com helps families find and select the best care possible based on detailed profiles, background checks, and references for hundreds of thousands of mom-reviewed providers who seek to share their services. Through its Care.com for Recruiters service, Care.com also enables companies to find high-quality caregiving employees.

Woo-hoo for FREE Pampers Cruisers!

Today is sign up to get a free sample 3 pack of Pampers Cruisers with new Dry Max technology Day. Click here to sign up your Pampers freebies!

Our friend Colleen from Classy Mommy gives us the scoop on these new diapers from Pampers:

First off, Pampers has completely redesigned its Cruisers diapers making them 20 percent thinner with no sacrifice in performance. They are the brand’s 1st diaper for the best players in the world™ – babies! The new Pampers Cruisers with Dry Max helps lock wetness away up to 12 hours, making this their driest diaper ever. The new Pampers Cruisers with Dry Max officially hits shelves in March.

For the first time ever, babies will have their gold-medal moment this Olympic season by sporting their own high performance gear – Pampers Cruisers with Dry Max. To celebrate the launch of the brand’s first-ever high performance diaper, Pampers will be outfitting Team USA athletes and their families, with branded Team USA Pampers Cruisers with Dry Max as they head to Vancouver for the Olympic Winter Games.

Although these Team USA diapers are not for sale, starting February 12th parents everywhere will be able to request a free sample three-pack of Pampers Cruisers with Dry Max on Pampers.com. If the sample sent includes a diaper stamped Team USA (randomly inserted in select sample packs), their baby will win a year’s supply of Pampers diapers!

Classy Mommy.com is full of great tips like this and we can't forget to mention the awesome contests...check out the site! you will love it as much as we do! Are you a fan of Classy Mommy on Facebook? Twitter?

Rockwell Exhibit at the King of Prussia Mall

Did you know that there is a national touring exhibit of Norman Rockwell's work?

Did you know that one of the stops on the tour is the King of Prussia Mall of all places?

It's true. Rockwell's America: Celebrating the art of Norman Rockwell has taken up residence at the King of Prussia Mall. In the Plaza (the big part), where Strawbridge's used to be. Right near the Rite Aid entrance.

The exhibit opened on October 29th and will be open through March 14th. Admission is $5 for adults, children under 12 are free. Love free stuff!

My mom and I took my kids there last weekend and it was really fun and interactive. Many of Rockwell's most memorable Saturday Evening Post covers have been turned into sculptures that the kids can walk around and touch. And in some cases, there are places in the "sculpture" to be part of the show. For example, this soda shop has a couple of open seats.

Rockwell's covers for the Saturday Evening Post covered four decades, from the 20s through the 60s and so many historical moments were captured in his work. The display moves through Americana, technology advances, wars, and civil rights. And of course, there are Christmas pictures that are filled with nostalgia.

The final section is a display of all 322 of the covers. It was fun to try to find the ones from my parents' birth dates.

I was vaguely familiar with Norman Rockwell's work, but this exhibit was really impressive and does a great job of showing how he was a defining presence in American culture for all of those years.

The kids loved seeing all of the funny pictures, and the interactive parts of the exhibit were a big hit with them.

They especially liked the assembly line near Rosie the Riveter. And the switchboard. And the cars they could sit in. And Santa. They really liked it all!

This is a great family friendly outing. We coupled it with lunch at the Cheesecake Factory, which was also very fun, although not nearly as inspirational.

Kristen Bassick is a contributor at Chester County Moms. She lives in Chester Springs with her husband, Mike; daughter, Sprout (10); son, Tater (7); and two dogs. Be sure to read more about Kristen's exploits as she attempts to improve herself one month at a time in her blog 43 Resolutions.

20% LOFT coupon...good until 1/31/2010

Frugal Finds Friday: MAX YOUR MENU: January 2010 Edition

January is a great time to use up leftovers, clear the pantry, make soup and look for new ways to max your menu. Here are a couple tips to help you make the most of what you already have:

1. Inventory your pantry. What do you have hiding in the recesses that only need an ingredient or two to spruce up and serve? Perhaps you have more whole meals than you think.
2. Inventory your freezer. What meat needs to be thrown away and what needs to be pulled out and thawed and cooked? Use it up if it is still good but watch for freezer burnt items.
3. Inventory your refrigerator. Usually you store things in your refrigerator that can go bad quickly. Make sure to use up everything before it goes bad each week. If you thaw something, make sure to cook it as soon as it is ready. If one of your new year’s resolutions is to eat healthier, don’t forget to pull out those items at snack time and meal time.
4. Save those sale flyers and make a list of which grocery store is selling what you need.
5. Make a goal of reducing your trips to the grocery store. The less you go, the less likely you will pick up the vast number of “want” items rather than “need” items. I love all the pre-made stuffed meats I see lined up at the butcher’s counter but they instantly jack up your grocery bill and calorie content.

For more MAX YOUR MENU tips, head over to DIYFrugal for the rest of this article where we are gathering lots of money saving resources just for YOU. Check out our new look!

The "Great Trade In" at Babies R Us..

From January 29th to February 20th, all Babies R Us stores nationwide will accept returns of used cribs, car seats & other baby products in exchange for savings on a new item during the “Great Trade-In” event.

The event is designed to draw attention to the fact that certain used baby products can carry potential hazards, but are still in circulation.

For more information please visit: http://www.Babiesrus.com/trade-in

Disney Outlet: 20% off!

Departments | New Arrivals | Deals of the Week | $5.99 or Less

We love a good bargain.... and, here is a great one. Now through 1/31/10, take an additional 20% off at the Disney Outlet store by using Promo Code: BARGAIN20 at checkout. My family and I are headed to WDW in a few weeks, so I took this opportunity to stock up on some airplane distractions, cute t-shirts, and other "souveniers" that I can pull out of my bag-of-tricks and not pay the park prices for trinkets! This sale is also great for stocking up on birthday presents!

Happy Shopping!

FREE 10x13 Montage for Moms-to-be!

http://www.olanmills.com/coupons/2010_B2B.asp?CID=

Exploring Trees Inside and Out at The Please Touch Museum

Little explorers will delight in discovery as they connect with nature inside and out! Climb way up high into our canopy and slide down into a bed of leaves, crawl through logs, play in an over sized bird’s nest and experience nature’s sounds, smells and textures in the “sensation stations.”

Visit the Please Touch Museum for Exploring Trees Inside and Out, a collaborative project of the Arbor Day Foundation and Dimensions Educational Research Foundation and sponsored by Doubletree Hotels.



Our friend and Better Philly host, Joey Fortman visited the Please Touch Museum last week. Click on the video clip below to see for yourself just how cool the new exhibit is.

FREE Admission to ZooAmerica in Hershey this weekend!

ZooAmerica North American Wildlife Park will kick off its celebration of 100 years of a community zoo in Hershey by offering its annual free Community Weekend from 10 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. on January 30th & January 31st. Admission is free to all guests this weekend only!

Special highlights of the weekend include "animal encounters" hosted by ZooAmerica naturalists and animal art demonstrations featuring painting by a skunk, snake, lizard or rat at 11 a.m. and 2 p.m. each day.

Ranger Scratch, the Zoo's mascot, also will make a special appearance both days. In addition, guests can learn more about Ranger Scratch's Kid's Club, which includes one-year membership to ZooAmerica, food and retail discounts, monthly newsletters, a yearly subscription to a National Wildlife Federation magazine, admission to exclusive events and more.

Local Casting Call for Reality TV Show

CASTING FABULOUS, OUTRAGEOUS AND FUNNY FAMILIES FOR A NEW DOCUSERIES, “MY FAMILY”

A major cable network is searching for a large, extended and multi-generational family to be the stars of their own comedy reality show. We’re looking for funny families that REDEFINE THE TRADITIONAL and BREAK THE MOLD of your typical ho-hum American household. This show will document their lives and explore the family’s complexity while witnessing the craziness, chaos and love that makes their family special.

• At your annual Thanksgiving dinner, do you look around and think your family should have a reality show because no one would believe it otherwise?

• Do you find yourself having to explain your family dynamic to those unfamiliar with how things work in your non-traditional household?

• Do your siblings, parents, in-laws or hired help bring a new element that pushes the envelope? Maybe someone is in a May/Dec relationship or has taken on responsibilities or roles that might deviate from the norm? Perhaps one of them is gay or was adopted from a far-flung exotic locale? Is there someone of a different race or ethnicity that’s mixing things up in your previously happy family?

If your family puts the FUN in dysFUNctional, then this is the show for you!!!

Tell us about you and your family.....The good, the bad and the ugly!

Please email joey@momspace.com for more information!

Not by the hair on my chinny, chin, chin....

So...The other day I had an itch on my chin. Not a normal spot for an itch, I know but, it was there so I scratched. While deep in scratch I felt a wirey stubble of a hair. I immediately ran to the mirror. Yep, there it was front and center. A. chin. hair. Ugh! I am only 29(and holding) how is this happening? I ran and got the tweezers and since it was so small I had to break out the magnifier mirror. After nicking away skin from failed frantic attempts to pluck my beard, I finally clamped onto it and pulled it out. I am glad to report that I am chin hair free now. I know this because I am totally obsessed now and look for it EVERYDAY!


Please tell me I am not the only one with chin hair. Do you think chin hair is like grey hair? Once you pluck it 2 will grow back? Am I going to be a bearded lady? Should I just sign up for the carny now?